the holidays...

so everyone keeps saying, "so hard this happened so close to the holidays"


at first i wanted to punch them.
well... i still do. 
but... im finding my silver lining. 
if my dad had died in January... i would have had to grieve, and then a year later, do his first holidays. 
that would have been worse... at least that is what i am going to believe because that is my reality. 
and i have to find some sort of silver lining here. 


today jack saw a commercial for the thanksgiving day parade. he was so excited.
i started to cry.
for my entire life. EVERY year... my dad calls me at the end of the parade to declare that santa is coming. he would scream "are you watching it? here he comes!!!" 
and he would be all jolly & cheerful & ... tearful! 
he lived for christmas.
my dad always played santa claus every year for church and friends houses. 
he was the greatest santa!


this year i will watch the parade and likely sob my eyes out as santa comes. 
the phone won't ring... and i will be sad. 


my kids are the bittersweet part here.
they make me keep going.
i have no choice.
but they also make me remember my dad... which is great.
jack appeared at my feet today like this...

{terrible photo taken with my phone}
see his pen? my dad always had a pen on his shirt.
he would say, "a good salesman always has a pen"
jack always tried to swipe his pen. 


these are things that jack helps me remember. i would never have thought of that.
so i love to hear his memories of  his Pop Pop. 
i feel horribly sad that sammy will not know my dad. 
it makes my heart ache.
because my dad adored sam. 
and still... sam walks around and says "poppa" when he see's his picture.
but soon that will fade and sooner than i'd like... he will forget him. 


so... on a positive note.
tomorrow im going to eat! 
i will be a member of the clean plate club.
i will watch the parade.
i will make the best of thanksgiving. 
i will be grateful my family is together. 
i will somehow find it in me... to make the best of our first holiday without dad. 


enjoy your loved ones.
hug them... because you can!
xo