light at the end of the tunnel

so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

in many respects.

my little man turned five this weekend. 

FIVE! 

(i made the shirt... i got the idea from chasing fireflies & ashleyann)

seriously, that is big. 

and honestly, he drives me nuts more often than not. his personality is HUGE. he fills a room. 

he is...

he is not bashful. 

funny.

loud. 

confident. 

goofy. 

a rule pusher or limit tester. 

a leader. 

adventurous.

intense.

loving.

annoying.

kind.

empathetic.

attention seeking. 

in constant motion. 

smart.

inquisitive.

snuggly.

in one word.... spirited.

since he was old enough to have come in to his own, not quite an infant but soon after... 

we have always said that he does things with 150%. 

when he loves you ... it is intense and with squeezes that almost hurt.

when he plays at the playground he is sweating.

when he is mad... its VERY mad.

when he finds something he loves he is so passionate about it... he could get lost in lego's for hours and could tell you more about dino's than any paleontologist (and he knows what a paleontologist is!) 

when he is sad he is so deeply hurt that it hurts me to watch. 

when he sleeps he is like a bear who is hibernating.

he loves his brother SO much he would literally be attached to him all day if he was allowed to be.

when he is happy he laughs from the depths of his belly.

and so on...

he keeps me on my toes. 

every. 

moment. 

of. 

the. 

day.

he challenges me.

he adores me.

he asks questions.

you give him an inch and he takes a mile. so i must stay ON my toes. 

recently i feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

like the days are less challenging and more fun.

i catch him being good more often than not. 

the other day he declared "this is going to be the best party ever mommy! THANK YOU!"

and that is what i call my paycheck! 

what i must focus on to keep me going on the crummy days. 

he was SO excited to be five!

he was so proud to break a big board at his karate birthday party!

 

storm trooper... watch out!

this killed me to buy the gun for him. i have mixed feelings about guns and kids.

same thing with tv... and many other "taboos"... the more you deny them the object the more they want it. that is another topic for another day though.

reading with his lego lamp in the dark!

and here are a few things from his birthday party... lego themed. 

i found ideas from ashleyann's blog (see link above) and etsy too!

 

lego creations on the mantle

goodie bags! 

they had "5"s made out of lego stickers with his name saying thank you {etsy... thank you notes to match}

lego mini figures and brixx candy builders

birthday cupcakes... rainbow!

liners from etsy.

lego men i made with ice cube mold and candy melts

rainbow cupcakes! 

i originially saw the idea on meg's whatever blog, although have since seen it a few other places.

{i have learned that they are MESSY. i make it with 2 boxes of cake mix and devide to bowls to mix colors, then put large zip lock bag that is in a big water glass (so it doesn't spill) then cut the end of the bag and squeeze into cupcake liners... if you do it with a spoon it is really messy)

so my baby is five! 

happy day to my little man a day late. 

and as my dad would say every year to me- "happy birthing day".

i missed him lots on jack's big day. 

while it was tons of fun... it was a clear reminder that life goes on without him. 

and he is not here to share in the moments.

and that makes me sad. 

on another note....

my project 365 is only mildly off track. 

i have decided to do the best i can with it. 

i will miss days! that is okay.

it is my project. i make the rules. but i am not going to throw in the towel on missed days! 

so check out my simply 365!

big day

i have nothing important to write.
some random thoughts and pictures to share. 
i am hoping, not promising, but hoping to get back to some goal oriented things in the upcoming weeks here on this blog! 
just hoping though! 


today was a big day. 
hopefully the beginning of the end. for over 3 years now we have battled with what i begrudgingly refer to as the "mystery cough" of my little man's. 
for almost 3 years straight his team of doctors insisted on treating him for asthma. 
for 3 years straight i continued to say "he doesn't respond to inhalers. i do not think this is in his lungs. it is in his nose". 
for 3 straight years doctors insisted he had asthma or reactive airway disease.
for 3 straight years they insisted i give my child a plethora of drugs to address his 'asthma'. when i say that i have a pharmacy in my medicine cabinet. this is no joke. 
you know, doctors are always right. at least this is typically my philosophy. i trusted his doctors. i began to feel literally INSANE. i posted here about it. i heard his cough begin and i shuttered at the mere thought of sleepless nights, his cough to puke response, and the emotional exhaustion that would set in feeling completely and utterly helpless to my baby as he lay on the bathroom floor, asking for a steamy shower and apologizing for throwing up on his bed at 2 am, as we clean vomit and call the dr's. over and over and over and over. 
and over. 
i finally made the decision to change pediatrian's and voila... life has changed.
she has completely rocked our world. i could write a book about our experiences, both good and bad, to date regarding this. 
i will fast forward to the good stuff though... our new pediatrician, dr elin cohen, sent us to get a second opinion from a new pulmonologist. we met dr kayani and he believed me. he listened to me. the MOTHER. it was amazing. i cried. good tears this time... not the kind of tears i cried leaving other dr offices. he said that first day he was pretty sure he knew what it was but wanted to rule out a few other things first because his hypothesis required a blood test that none of us felt my little man would sit through. but quickly we got that test {he sat through it} and dr kayani was RIGHT! 
jack has a bacteria in his body that prohibits him from fighting off sinus infections {he was recently diagnosised with chronic sinusitic... NOT ASTHMA!} it is called streptococcus pneumoniae. so today he got his vaccine that will hopefully be the answer to our prayers! 


adios "mystery cough". i will not miss you. you were not invited. i loathe you quite frankly. you have tortured my baby and myself and family for moving on 4 years plus now. you have ruined vacations and made my little man cranky and tired ... and me too! you have resulted in him having to be poked and prodded and tested and treated for things unnecessarily...  you have caused stress and fears. do not come back. 

picture 19 for project 365.

the vaccine!

wow. my post DID have a purpose after all. 

you sit down to write and suddenly you feel better!

here are a few pictures of life around here lately. 

apparently connecticut is the new north pole. 

jack in our driveway.

i have never seen so much snow in my life! it came up to his hips. almost impossible to play in.

this is my front steps. 

you can not see them. i am pretty sure we will not have access to them until approximately april or may?!

my rosey cheeked main man. 

he plays hard. hence the snow-filled hat, red cheeks, and jacket covered in snow.

nothing better than neighborhood friends... they made a "quarry" that was full of tunnels out of the snow mounds from the snow plows.

our street.

so peaceful & serene. 

he eats snow.

a LOT of it.

do you think that is bad?

our neighbor julia {sammy's love} jumping off snow mounds

monkey see monkey do!

here is to spring! 

cheers!

365... but not so much with the day to day

so, does it count if my 365 pictures don't get posted every single day but i update as i have time?


hope so! 
i am enjoying my challenge. it has forced me to be creative already 10 days in. 
i really need to get my act together and take a few online courses to master my new baby {camera that is}

day 4.

this is what my house looks like at dinner time with three kids!

day 5.

the view from our room at our stratton, vt gettaway with our bff's. sans kids. enough said!

day 6. 

hot tub after skiing.

day 7.

my loves.

day 8.

note "mr. bear" in the extra booster seat. he is a bear that gets to go home with each child, and keeps a journal of what he does the entire time he is with you. jack was the LAST kid to get him. it killed him to wait! and while 'mr bear' is super cute in theory... and even how much each kid glows as they march out of school with 'mr. bear' under arm and his giant back-kack {as jack says} on their backs weighing them down. 

i... well... i find him really icky. full of germs, dust, & mold. 

am i a bad mom?

i am going to say no because several other mom's confessed the same feelings. and apparently i'm not the only loon who did 'mr. bear's' laundry. he he!

day 9.
ok- i confess. i forgot today. so i was gonna "fake it" tomorow. but that is breaking the rules. so... i looked up and saw this... my glass of wine, my cell phone & the baby monitor. very important things because
1. sam is very sick and the monitor is needed
2. my phone is sitting there waiting for the dr to respond to me regarding aforementioned #1.
3. the wine is to ease the blow of the fact that one of my kids is sick ... again!
{i think my narrative is better than the photo}
and ps- i HATE taking pictures at night. i like natural light! but this was taken without a flash... which is one of the many reasons i heart my new camera!

day 10.

my little man hard at work.

i have nothing else important to ad today. 

my littlest man is sick. im tired. i don't do well without a full nights sleep... have i mentioned that before? 

sweet dreams! 

i will...

i will not make a resolution. 
{although, proudly, last years resolution was met!}


quite frankly, i would prefer to think of them as goals. 
the end of the year is a natural time to reflect & contemplate.
accomplishments, defeats, good times & bad, things that made you laugh & cry. worry & rejoice. 


2010 has been... well, the worst year of my life. 
i can honestly say, there is not one year in my life that the combination of events would lead me to say these words... "this was the worst year of my life". 


but it is true. 


having said that. i feel blessed. i feel, i don't know, maybe mature, in being able to say those words without nearing a nervous breakdown. in a brief nutshell, my baby had surgery {just for tubes in his ears- but scary either way}, my brother had melanoma 3 times removed, my godson fought for his life at 9 months old- it was the scariest few days and weeks i ever experienced, my son battled a chronic cough for going on 4 years prompting us to change pediatricians and pulmonologists. i attended the funeral of a 2 year old baby. and as if all these things were not stressful enough, on top of other day to day life stresses... my dad died suddenly. these are the things i remember the most out of 2010. 


but... my brother survived cancer multiple times. 
my son got tubes and can now hear and is no longer in pain.
my godson survived not only his initial surgery, but the emergency second surgery and fought off the terrible life threatening infection he had!
and on the very last day of this year the new team of dr's think they finally have discovered the problem for the mystery chronic cough. 


so i can see i am blessed. there were good outcomes. i keep my eye on the silver lining. the small things in life that i treasure and value. 
my boys. my family. my friends. this past year has opened my eyes to those who rise to the occasion. and...well... those who did not! 


i have goals for 2011. not a resolution. because there is always 2012 *God willing*! 
i'll spare you the mundane 'goals' of get healthy, be a better mommy/wife/friend/etc... 


but in an effort to learn from this past horrible year... which has mainly taught me life is short and to treasure the small moments. and how important taking photos of the ones you love is- as in a blink of an eye those around you could be gone and all you have left is the pictures in your hands and the memories in your heart. 
so.... i woke up on 1/1/11 and decided i am taking on the task of a year in photos. 
365 pictures. one a day. for a year! 
my goal is that this project *goal* will remind me to embrace the small things. revel in a smile. capture a mannerism of my littles. document our year. 


so ... on january 3 (362 days to go)... here are the first 3! 

day one.

1.1.11

sledding with daddy.

day two.

1.2.11

yummy salad {tuna, lettuce, onion, apple, cranberry, oil, & cider vinegar} 

this represents my strive to eat healthy after 2 solid months of emotional eating.

day three.

1.3.11

first day of karate. he broke a board with his fist! 

i cried.

here is to kicking 2010 to the curb!

bring it on 2011, i am ready for ya!

stay tuned! 

the holidays...

so everyone keeps saying, "so hard this happened so close to the holidays"


at first i wanted to punch them.
well... i still do. 
but... im finding my silver lining. 
if my dad had died in January... i would have had to grieve, and then a year later, do his first holidays. 
that would have been worse... at least that is what i am going to believe because that is my reality. 
and i have to find some sort of silver lining here. 


today jack saw a commercial for the thanksgiving day parade. he was so excited.
i started to cry.
for my entire life. EVERY year... my dad calls me at the end of the parade to declare that santa is coming. he would scream "are you watching it? here he comes!!!" 
and he would be all jolly & cheerful & ... tearful! 
he lived for christmas.
my dad always played santa claus every year for church and friends houses. 
he was the greatest santa!


this year i will watch the parade and likely sob my eyes out as santa comes. 
the phone won't ring... and i will be sad. 


my kids are the bittersweet part here.
they make me keep going.
i have no choice.
but they also make me remember my dad... which is great.
jack appeared at my feet today like this...

{terrible photo taken with my phone}
see his pen? my dad always had a pen on his shirt.
he would say, "a good salesman always has a pen"
jack always tried to swipe his pen. 


these are things that jack helps me remember. i would never have thought of that.
so i love to hear his memories of  his Pop Pop. 
i feel horribly sad that sammy will not know my dad. 
it makes my heart ache.
because my dad adored sam. 
and still... sam walks around and says "poppa" when he see's his picture.
but soon that will fade and sooner than i'd like... he will forget him. 


so... on a positive note.
tomorrow im going to eat! 
i will be a member of the clean plate club.
i will watch the parade.
i will make the best of thanksgiving. 
i will be grateful my family is together. 
i will somehow find it in me... to make the best of our first holiday without dad. 


enjoy your loved ones.
hug them... because you can!
xo

finding a new normal

it has been a long time.
life got busy.
then life got bad.
it took me a while to get here to write... 18 days to be exact.
which for me... is a long time to not "talk".
i am an open book.
i like to be surrounded by love & support... what you see is what you get.
but this is hard... because writing it... well it makes it more real than this nightmare already is.

my dad died.
suddenly.
i still can't believe it is true. i wait for someone to pinch me and tell me that phone call at 11:13 pm over 2 weeks ago now... it was just a horrible nightmare i can't escape.

i dream of trips in the rum rum {the '67 austin healy with plates reading 'fun toy'}, trips to kuhns corner for hot dogs and later duchess when kuhn's corner closed, visiting nanny & stopping for carvel, golfing at patterson, his wildly inappropriate jokes that made us cringe and laugh at the same time, his lack of filter, or his annoying & cheesey jokes, email forwards, his insane obsession with Fairfield Univ basketball... going to games with him as a child and wanting to hide because he was SO embarrassing as he screamed at the refs "NEED MY GLASSES!!! THAT'S A WALK JACKASS!", the pride he oozed as I received my college degree and masters degree, the clean plate club, my very own santa, the things he got away with, his wealth of knowledge of diners, how he loved to go places where people knew him, or how every where we went, someone did know him, how all my friends always thought he was hilarious- even when i didn't, how he loved each of us {I am the youngest of 5} unconditionally... and defended each of our flaws & quirks, he always called me his "caboose", how he loved my husband. how he played with my kids. it was special- "my cane" tug of wars with jack, reading books to sam, how he tried to get sammy to talk more- he "heard" him say a lot of things... it made me laugh. no dad, sam can hardly utter "momma"... he did not just say "i love you"...  and how jack some how managed to get him to play hide & seek once... or the times jack demanded he color and do crafts with him. he did it!  i would kill for just one more of those hugs that, as my sister described perfectly, made you feel safe from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes, or one more "knee squeeze" in the front seat, or one more pinch and declaration of "this is MY side", or to simply hear his voice... his deep distinct commanding voice that filled the room. it made people listen to him. even if they didn't want to! i would kill for him to come to my house and just annoy me again... because that is what he did. what i wouldn't give for that... just once more.

i have been surrounded by love and support.
it is overwhelming.
i have learned a lot about people around me.
a lot surprising.
a lot good and some bad.
some disappointing.
some overwhelmingly amazing.
some friends became closer friends that i will forever cherish after this past couple of weeks.
i have grown up more than i wanted to ever.
i feel broken... like a piece of my soul is forever gone.
but it is part of life... sadly.

i woke up last night, just an hour after i fell asleep, without even opening my eyes just quietly sobbing.
i miss my dad.

i was named after my dad. i used to hate that.
now... i cling to that.
i also look like my dad.
and i hope to be a lot like him in many ways.
the priest said to us "think of the things you loved about him. think of all he did. and try to emulate them in your life. this is how you will carry him on".
i will continue to volunteer... my dad taught me that. and i will do that in his honor.
i will sing my heart out at church and when they play the national anthem.
i will cheer for Big Blue!
i will quote cheesy jokes of his. maybe ;)
and many many other things.

i feel so grateful to the people in my life that have surrounded me to get through this horrendous time.
the tribute we gave to my dad was over the top!
just like he wanted.
but more importantly, exactly what he deserved!

i know he is here with me. my very own special angel.

i have a lot more to say about my dad. 

but for now i work towards finding my new normal. 

figuring out what life is like... without my dad. 

hoping each day gets easier.

hoping the tears jump up and bite me at less brutal times. 

hoping my brain functioning returns some time soon {did you know that a traumatic experience like this causes your brain to stop functioning the way it used to... true!}

i will continue to carry my dad in my heart... i will talk of him with ease so my children never forget him. 

and ever single day of my life... i will miss him deeply.

xo

missing in action

yikes... where has the time gone! 
i have been neglectful of my blog... and i do miss it lots!


but i am enjoying my new ventures a great deal too! 
it has been so amazing to use other parts of my brain. i will say i am exhausted. no. EXHAUSTED. i can't seem to get my body used to all this running around. i have been battling jack's chronic, 3 year long mystery coughing with my husband traveling for, what seems like, eternity!


i literally just sat down for the first time today. 
we had a really nice day... just busy constantly. 
if i wasn't cooking or playing with the boys, i was cleaning or feeding the boys, or playing catch up with all the piles of laundry. 


im not sure i will ever get back to my blog the way i had. sad but true! 
but i miss it... it was a sense of a journal. 
right now... i have on hold a list of other things i should be doing. 
including eating dessert... while i spend a little time here!


in the meantime... a little of what has been keeping us busy!

this is trouble. this little boy, at the end of a horrifically long day which was preceded by a terribly long few weeks... got in the tub while i was getting it ready and had turned my back for a split second. 

with ALL of his clothing on. 

he likes to torture me i believe!

we have been decorating! best $1.99 ever spent!

a very over exposed self portrait of me and my little man who is getting so big with each day!

we carved pumpkins, the night before halloween. it was sort of, i must confess, an obligation. we never pumpkin picked the traditaional way this year. no far. no hayride. no cute photo ops. it was too much with jack's mystery cough. so we skipped it. and got them at the store. we saved BUNDLES! and our pumpkins came out pretty cute!

they love each other lots! sometimes TOO much!

we planted some bulbs... lined the walk with tulips! hope we did ok!

my boys all dressed up for a communion! a rare siting! jack would live in sweats if i would let him!

grrrr!

nothing better than munchkin sandy hands. this was the day the mother at the playground responded to my "she can have one" as her daughter cried because she wanted a munchkin with "i don't let my kids have things like that". 

really?!?!?!? who says things like that! even if you don't want your kid eating that crap. everything in moderation. no need to be a judgmental bitch now!

my kids do not hold my hand. ever. or rarely. sam does sometimes & my heart skips a beat when his little hand slips in to mine. literally, i melt & ooze! 

meet the newsest man in my life! my best friend had a baby! 

im in love with him!

it is SO much more fun to swoon over other peoples babies and then hand them right back and go home and get a good night sleep. i don't do well with the whole baby stage when they are my own. my hormones take over and im 2 steps away from a psych unit. 

so i like to "re-do" with my friends babes! 

i like to be there for them when they go sleep deprived hormone crazy 

{which by the way, she is not doing. which is amazing & annoying all at the same time}

little man loves to slide down the slide on his belly. i lvoe watching him get up on the slide and swing his little leg over! its adorable... he is so determined!

a group shot of our halloween extravaganza! 

i call it "organized chaos"!

the biggest puppy & woody have been trick or treating for 5 years now together. 

they are big! 

woody! when he saw this picture he said: "oh my gosh i look sooo awsome!" 

happy fall!